The first time she’ll just keep stringing you along your freshman year. She knows you’re just a puppy dog who follows her like a shadow. She’ll put you in the friend-zone and you’ll lose the respect of all your friends and peers. After a year of mindless wandering you’ll start to burrow in anger, self-loathing, and loneliness. A couple of years will pass and she’ll start dating the guy who made your life a living hell in high school. You’ll assure yourself the salt on the wound was earned somehow.
The second time she’ll forget about you. She’ll be older, full of baggage, and you’ll think you can fix her. Christmas Day you’ll get her presents from the heart while she’ll tell you a tall tale about your gift getting lost in the mail to excuse the empty spot under the tree. After a few questions she’ll finally admit she just didn’t get you anything. You’ll cut off communication and she’ll decide not to put up a fight to prove you wrong. You feel her plant the seed where your distrust in women started to grow.
The third time you’ll get caught off guard. You just focused on being you and becoming successful. She’ll work in the same supermarket as you and start wondering why every guy gives her attention except for you. You’ll fuck it up by letting the excitement consume you and trying too hard. Eventually, she’ll pass you up and start a destructive relationship with your childhood friend’s older brother. You’ll realize your circle of friends is much smaller than you thought. The self-destruction begins.
The fourth time she’ll be in your creative writing class. She’ll tell you right off the bat she’s a lesbian and you’re a rebound but that she has feelings for you and then acts on it. You won’t know what to think but hope for the best. Eventually, she’ll stop responding to your texts and you’ll let what you had disintegrate over time. You’ll stop caring and start treating women like nothing more than a night in bed.
The fifth time she’ll claim your heart. You think you’ll have your partner in crime. You both love Jameson, The Office (U.S. not U.K.), and act on the shared dreams of seeing the world one city at a time. After a year you’ll come to the realization that she’s been lying to you since the start and stealing from your mutual job. She’ll never admit it after all the destruction but you’ll know in your heart she was holding the knife plunged in your back. You’ll give in to all the women you told you had a girlfriend to out of spite, revenge, and just trying to go numb. You won’t feel a thing but the guard you finally dropped will be reinforced and stronger than ever.
The sixth time you’ll go date a local as an expat in a foreign country. After two weeks she’ll tell you she met someone else and wants to spend time with him too. You’ll dump her without a second thought. After that you’ll go on a string of blind dates your friend set up. You’ll be successful, educated, and treat them all like you would want someone to treat your future daughter. They’ll all find a petty excuse to say you’re not good enough. You’ll sit and wonder what was the point of all the sleepless nights working, studying, learning the local language and becoming a gentleman was for? As a result, you’ll go on a binge of sleeping with any woman you want. You’ll convince yourself what’s the point of being a gentleman if it just means you’ll finish last every time?
The seventh time you’ll be in a new foreign country and within a week you’ll meet someone who gives you that warm feeling in your stomach. After two weeks you’ll suddenly realize she’s not who you thought she was. She’s twisted, unkind, and lacks understanding in meaningful relationships. You’ll tell her as nice you can you just want to be friends and she’ll retort with the most hateful slander you’ve ever heard. How she can’t wait to fuck whoever she wants now, how she never wants to see you again, and that she’s the bitch that you recognized deep down inside but tried to look past.
Then you’ll be at home. Watching Netflix in Taiwan, pan-frying marinated steak, sipping an ice-cold Budweiser; and you’ll be lying in bed, staring up at the white ceiling, thinking to yourself maybe it’s time to die alone.
She’s out there, with her own list, just waiting to meet you. Hang in there, for her. And for you 🙂
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