Paradise

With her.
Losing in jenga.
Nursing a glass of wine.

Peru

The best part of Peru?
Quarantined
In an Airbnb.
Sitting
In a hammock.
Chainsmoking
Cigarettes.
Waiting for an excuse
To talk to you.

The First Night

I’ve lost count
Of the number of days
I’ve stood around
Just thinking
About being with you
Under the stars
Holding you tight
Wishing
Morning never came.

Afterthought

After all the heartfelt words,
All the emotions felt,
And all the stories traded,
You weren’t anything
To her.

Just a pit stop,
Just a temporary convenience,
Just someone to forget,
Just a distraction

All you could do,
Was freeze everything you ever felt for her,
And shatter them into a million pieces.

You wish you could take the days,
You spent thinking about her,
And burn them to ashes.

The Moon

Like a fool,
You thought she was going to be someone you could grow with.
To support each other,
Through all the heartbreaks, headaches, and regrets.

You ended up alone,
Staring at the moon,
Wondering how you could have been so stupid.

Coffee

She liked her coffee black,
Just like her chocolate,
They matched the shade of her heart,
But you would never have guessed it.

She had a sweet smile from ear to ear,
A tiny voice,
That said every gentle word you wanted to hear.

If only you had known
The pain she had in store for you.

Saywa

You just wanted to embrace nature,
Instead you drug out all the skeletons,
That you had buried for years,
Deep in your consciousness.

How he locked you in the bathroom,
Because you were too scared,
To let him pull out your teeth.

How he stole your innocence,
When you were just a boy,
Behind closed doors.

How they beat you for years,
Just because they could,
Until you learned to,
Embrace the pain.

How you cried,
And prayed,
But God never answered,
And the locks on the door
Never held.

How you’ve only had yourself to confide in,
Because every time they said,
“You can talk to me”
You were left fighting tears,
and gritting your teeth,
Alone.

Instead you had to learn violence,
You had to learn to swallow every emotion,
You had to let the rage takeover.

But you subtly keep the hope,
That one day the past will burn to ashes,
And you won’t have to force a smile,
Anymore.

Soft

You had a soft stop for her.
And you couldn’t figure out why.
Maybe you wanted to protect her.
Maybe you wanted to fix her.
Maybe you wanted to be vunerable for once.

Instead, you ended up more hardened than ever.
More cold and grim than before.
Churning up all the rage from your discorded past.

You could feel your demons banging on the cells
You had locked them in for years.
Telling you to let them feed on all your banes.

Your history of violence.
Your chapters of abuse.
The black in your heart,
That you had prior refused to let spread.

She’s not responsible for your feelings.
But she opened the cell doors,
And walked away.
Leaving the chaos to rampage inside you.

Pomegranates

You stopped feeling a while ago.
The bike crashes didn’t faze you.
Neither did the floods.
The people you took had no room,
In your head.

You never talked.
Not a single whisper.
You embraced living twofold.
So they’d never know.

You were a protector,
In some eyes.
A reaper,
In other’s.

You stopped feeling,
Longer than you can remember.
And most would have never guessed it
When you revealed a forced smile.

It was better that way,
When they didn’t fear you,
So they let their guard down,
Over time,
And you waited patiently.

To gain their trust,
To learn their routines,
Their habits,
Finding an opportunity,
To sow their karma back.

Pedophiles.
You found momentary peace,
Watching the light go out,
In their eyes.
Because they reminded you,
Of your childhood demons.

Some people,
Deserve
To
Bleed.

You quickly learned,
Blood clots
In the snow
Like red frost.

And stained the porcelain,
In the shower drain,
Like red wine,
On white sheets,
But mostly,
It reminded you of,
Pomegranate juice.

Ego

It took me long years of bitterness,
Masked time and again,
By empty bottles,
Clandestine handshakes,
And meaningless curves.

Accompanied by,
Years of sleepless nights,
Countless tears swallowed,
And a few broken crutches,
To admit,
Change is paramount.

I hold a grudge against the people,
Who scarred me,
Just because they could.
The worst part of me,
Wants to find everyone they’ve ever loved,
And bury them alive,
So they can hear their helpless screams,
Just like they heard mine,
Echo in vain.

I resent those,
Who saw all the love I had to give
And simply shrugged their shoulders.
But I wasn’t ready to love
Or be loved,
I just feared being deserted,
Yet again.

More times than I can remember,
I’ve pushed away people who cared,
Because I wanted to leave first,
Before they had a chance
To abandon me.

I never forgot,
When you locked the van doors on me,
And drove
And I was alone,
For the first time
Of many.

I stopped being a child,
That cold night.
And I’ll never forget,
Seeing the fear fill my eyes,
As I saw my reflection,
In the fleeting windows.

I’ll be better.
It might take
More time than I’d like
To admit.
But it’s important,
That I end the cycle,
Before I self-destruct,
And the fragments maim everyone,
Who ever stretched out,
A helping hand.

As I hung,
From the rock face,
Debating
If letting go,
Would at least,
End my pain,
And the wounds,
Wouldn’t have to heal.

Paper

The biggest lie,
I ever told myself,
For the longest of times,
Was if I had enough zeroes,
In my bank account,
Looks good enough to pass,
And enough bold print,
On my resume,
That happiness,
Would just happen.

What a fool,
I was.

Regret

I hate that
I pushed you away,
As I hard as I could.
But you still stayed,
Despite fighting your
Own demons.

I’ll never forget that.
And I’ll always be grateful,
You didn’t walk away.
Even though,
I gave you every reason to,
Bar your doors,
And turn off the lights.

I’m not ready,
To share the pure selflessness,
You had for me,
But I’m trying,
To be better.
For myself,
For my future,
For your memories of me.

I think that’s why,
You came into my life.
To show me,
I’m worth being loved,
Without belts to my back,
Being lifted by my shirt,
While my feet dangled in the air.
Or the smell of alcohol,
On their breaths,
And the taste of salt,
As the tears streamed,
Down my cheeks.

Your soul is beautiful,
Just like your smile.
But mine is filled with hate,
And pain.
I won’t let my darkness,
Dim your light.
So I need to go.
Where it won’t consume me,
Whole.

Influence

The next time,
I let my past,
People,
or money,
Influence me.

I’ll be surrounded by
The people I love,
As I tell them farewell,
And get ready to greet,
The highest of heavens,
Or the depths of hell.

Question

I find myself,
Questioning,
If all the good things,
I’ve ever done.
Were done to help others,
Or to fill my empty voids.

Am I really a good person?
Or do I just tell myself that?
So I don’t lie awake,
Until the sun comes up.

Pilgrimage

I decided to leave on a journey.
I’m not sure where to
Or for how long.
And I’ll admit,
I’m scared.

I’m not looking
For snow-capped mountains
Or hidden waterfalls.
I’m searching to take back,
Everything,
They took from me.
Starting with my tranquility.

I’ve been running,
For a long time.
And I’m tired
And worn.
I forgot how to cry,
How to feel,
And never learned,
How to love.

I don’t have someone,
Whose heart beats,
In tune with mine,
By my side,
I never have.
Or the fur balls,
Who were like my shadows.
Good company,
Keeping me safe.

I can’t have crutches,
to lean on,
Or loose rocks,
To fill my voids.
I have to be better.

One

I keep the hope,
That all the women,
Who have brought me nothing,
But stress and grief.

Are merely preparing me,
For the one,
Who I’ll make laugh,
Until it hurts.

Whose smile will never,
Wear on me.
Whose beautiful soul,
I’ll find addicting.

Whose tears,
Will come from joy,
Whose values,
I’ll share and adore.

Where every day,
Will be like our first date,
And every night,
Will be better,
Than the night before.

The one who’ll never,
Second guess what we have,
Who smirks and laughs,
At the thought of anyone else.

When she’s ready,
I’ll find her.
And then,
It won’t all be perfect,
But we’ll strive for it,
Together.

Growth

Today I finally discovered,
That I’m alone for a reason,
Because I’m still waiting,
For the right people,
To come into my life,
And stay.

Alone doesn’t mean lonely,
Or that you’re not loved.
It means,
You love yourself enough,
That you won’t settle,
For people,
Who aren’t helping you mold,
Into the person,
You’re meant to be.

There’s an inner strength,
To embracing,
The solitude,
And that’s what I yearn for,
More and more,
With each new day.

My heart no longer beats,
For the nights closing down bars,
Or clinging to the first set of eyelashes,
That hold their gaze on me,
Long enough for me to notice.

It beats for the mountain fresh air,
For the crystal clear springs,
For the art that astounds me,
For the dishes that make me crave the cultures.

I’m falling in love with life,
Once more.
Shedding my ego,
Experiencing new ways of living,
And breaking the chains,
That have weighed me down,
For so long.

I feel a fire burning inside,
That I was smothering before,
But is now rising with fresh tinder.

I’m off to find more kindling,
With a smile from ear to ear,
And a patient love for the paths,
I’ve yet to cross.

Healing

Today, I can finally admit,
I have a habit,
Of looking,
For love,
In the wrong places.

But I’ve learned,
How to love,
Myself,
And forgive.

Money,
People,
The past.
They define me,
No longer.

All the women,
Who softly spoke,
Gentle words,
That played with my heartstrings,
But didn’t mean,
What they said.

All the friends,
Who blew away,
With the wind.
And left me,
Alone,
With my nightmares.

All the demons,
Who made my nights,
Sleepless,
As I sat,
On the edge of my bed,
With my head,
Buried in my hands.

I forgive you,
Because hate,
Is a cross,
I can no longer carry.

I am free,
At last.
And the world,
Is my safe haven.

It is time,
To live,
Free.

Clarity

I romanticize,
I’m impulsive,
I give far more,
Than I’ll ever receive.
And my mind,
Is always in,
A race.

But that’s okay,
Because a pure heart,
A sharp mind,
And cracked knuckles,
Prepare me for the world,
And all its tribulations.

Ruinas,
Montañas,
Ceremonias,
Temazcal.

They are the concrete,
I’m pouring,
To build my foundation,
To heal,
And live,
At long last.

Sunrises,
Sunsets,
Hearty laughs,
Warm conversations.

They are the tinder,
Feeding the fireplace,
That is my soul.

With an open heart,
A free mind,
A calm soul,
And unclenched fists.
I’m becoming,
Anew.

Torture

I’ll never understand,
Relationships where,
Arguments are a normality,
And multiple partners are agreed upon,
Tentatively.

That sounds like,
A recipe,
For heartache and,
open wounds.

I’d much rather,
Find the set of lashes,
That make my heart,
Skip a beat,
Every time,
I see them.

I’ll never understand people,
Who will sacrifice all their peace,
And happiness,
Just to stroke,
Their partner’s ego.

I’d rather rot in a grave,
Unloved,
Than know,
I was never enough,
For the one who had my heart.

Acceptance

Sometimes,
It’s better to be alone,
Than with people,
Who greet you,
Like they’re reading a script.

The lost ones,
Who don’t know themselves,
But think they do.

The bullshitters,
Whose egos shield them,
From their sad realities.

The users and abusers,
Who treat good hearts,
Like they’re disposable.

The sugarcoaters,
Who built their houses,
On a fence,
But think the worst,
Behind closed doors.

The hopeless romantics,
Who are so desperate,
To be loved,
They’ll settle for people,
Who belong,
In the gutter.

We accept the love,
We think we deserve.
Love yourself first,
And allow yourself,
To be loved,
With time.
Let the pieces,
To your puzzle,
Come together,
Organically.
Flowers,
Never race,
To bloom.

Torn

It’s a funny thing.
The hate,
Is at a standstill,
But it hasn’t,
Subsided.
The blood,
Stopped boiling,
But maybe only,
For the moment.
My head,
Is absent,
Negativity,
But the triggers,
Remain.

I want everyone,
To grow,
But not,
In my garden.
My table,
Is welcome,
Only,
To a select few,
Now.

It’s not about having Masters,
In bold print,
Or,
A stuffed piggy bank.
It’s about not needing,
To be accepted,
By everyone,
And,
Having the courage,
To live free,
And adventurously.

Not on a private tour,
Or in a limousine,
But laughing,
Until it hurts,
Cuddling,
By an open fire,
With your Lagertha.
Lulling asleep,
As the stars,
Cloud the night sky.

I still,
Silently,
Check the windows,
Before answering the door,
Ready,
With serrated steel,
Or,
Blackened brass.

I don’t fear,
Paying,
For my sins,
I fear,
Living,
For other people.

Influence

The next time,
I let my past,
People,
or money,
Influence me,

I’ll be surrounded by
The people I love,
As I tell them farewell,
And get ready to greet,
The highest of heavens,
Or the depths of hell.

Value

I’d rather be,
Wondefully,
Alone,
In the mountains,
Than with people,
Who make me second-guess,
Every other moment.

I’d rather be wild and crazy,
Than conform,
To opinions,
That never considered,
How I felt,
For a single moment.

I’d rather be glued to,
A secondhand bike,
Or,
Wonderfully,
Lost in,
A flyover state,
Than living a life,
That will never be meant,
For me.

I’d rather have,
A cold Budweiser,
Accompanied by,
A cheap cigar,
Watching the sunset,
Than,
At a dinner party,
Selling my value,
To complete strangers.

I’d rather block and distance,
Myself,
From everyone,
Than suddenly realize,
They’re glad to hear of,
My struggles.

I’ll never be,
Someone’s,
Punching bag,
Scapegoat,
Or,
Distraction,
Again.

But,
I’d rather burn alive,
Or rot in a cell
Than be provoked,
Into losing,
My progress,
Because they failed to see,
My,
Value.

Wachuma

The biggest lie,
I ever told,
Myself,
For the longest,
Of times,
Was,
If I had,
Enough zeroes,
In my,
Bank account,
Looks,
Good enough,
To pass,
And enough,
Bold print,
On my resume,
That happiness,
Would just happen.

What,
A fool,
I was.

Clarity

I romanticize,
I’m impulsive,
I give far more,
Than I’ll ever receive.
And my mind,
Is always in,
A race.

But that’s okay,
Because a pure heart,
A sharp mind,
And cracked knuckles,
Prepare me for the world,
And all its tribulations.

Ruinas,
Montañas,
Ceremonias,
Temazcal.

They are the concrete,
I’m pouring,
To build my foundation,
To heal,
And live,
At long last.

Sunrises,
Sunsets,
Hearty laughs,
Warm conversations.

They are the tinder,
Feeding the fireplace,
That is my soul.

With an open heart,
A free mind,
A calm soul,
And unclenched fists.
I’m becoming,
Anew